


having you

by dean_n_pie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 13:30:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3611826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dean_n_pie/pseuds/dean_n_pie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the day of Sam and Jess' wedding, and all Gabriel has is a broken heart and a sheet of music.</p>
            </blockquote>





	having you

**Author's Note:**

> uh
> 
> I was in a bad mood.   
> sorry? comments&kudos are much appreciated.
> 
> also the title is from a longer quote - "having you is the greatest lie I ever told myself" copyright to me

Gabriel's hands hovered above the keys as the music echoed throughout the hall. The applause must have been loud, but to him it seemed like a faint buzz in his ears. Quietly, he turned to the next piece and began playing. The delicate music filled the small reception area as people turned and talked to their neighbor. The dance floor was startlingly absent, but Gabriel continued playing. 

The song wasn't one anyone would recognize. As he played a difficult riff successfully, people began whispering among themselves, trying to figure it out. In any other situation, Gabriel would be hiding a smirk, leaving his audience to their confusion. They wouldn't recognize it - it had been written mere hours before the wedding had begun, where he put the finishing touches on it while Sam fretted in front of him. 

_"But what if she doesn't show, what if this was a joke the whole time?" Sam said, harried. He was wearing a trench in the floor at this point, and Gabriel still played on. Saying anything wouldn't help, Sam had to talk himself out. Speaking up would only make Sam get more defensive._

_"But she wouldn't, she loves me, or she wouldn't have said yes. Right?" he muttered, swinging his coat jacket around his arm. Gabriel glanced at him over the top of the piano while he marked in another few measures of notes. "Of course she wouldn't have, we're gonna be okay. She loves me and I love her, everything will be okay."_

_Gabriel averted his eyes when Sam looked over at him. He pretended to be engrossed in the music he was writing, but Sam didn't pay him any attention._

_"We're good," he said decisively, nodding. "Thanks, Gabe. I'm getting married!"_

_One side of Gabriel's mouth tilted up as he looked over at Sam, and then the proud groom was out of the room to get prepared. Gabriel swallowed heavily as the smile fell and wiped vigorously at his eyes._

There was no title, but his name was in the top right corner - a NOVAK, GABRIEL M. in dark ink that claimed it as his own. 

He began to slow the pace a bit when Sam and Jessica stepped onto the floor. Each pulled the other closely into their arms and swayed. Just as well - Gabriel had tried to teach Sam how to waltz ages ago, and it had never panned out. 

_"No, Sam," Gabriel said, laughing. "You step forward, I step back. You're the guy, you have to lead."_

_"Pardon me, Mrs. Novak," Sam teased, leaning down to press a friendly kiss to Gabriel's temple. "I wasn't aware I was dealing with a lady."_

_Gabriel hit Sam on the arm. "God, shut up." He pulled Sam back into the flow of the dance, rolling his eyes when Sam's eyes stayed glued to the floor. "Look at your parter," he said sweetly, grinning when Sam looked up and focused on him. The next moment he was swearing and jumping back, grabbing for his foot._

_"Sorry!" Sam said, jumping back sheepishly. Gabriel waved him off, insisting that he was fine and that they could still practice. "Sorry, didn't mean to."_

_"Well, you're still practicing. I'll just wear steel-toe boots next time, okay?" Gabriel said, wincing. Sam held onto his arm to help balance him, looking awkward and embarrassed. "Now. Where were we?"_

But now he swayed effortlessly to the music with his wife in his arms as Gabriel watched the page, doing everything in his power to not look up. Instead, he played through the song that he'd finally perfected but didn't have a name. The song was so much more cheerful than he felt - his old piano teacher was right. Playing a song so in contrast with emotion wasn't the least bit easy. He had to concentrate extra hard on keeping it in a major key and not accidentally shift down; keeping the pace steady was helpful, thanks to the already installed metronome he had on the side of the piano. 

The notes rang out through the room, and Gabriel felt himself start to tense up. He could hear the chorus of 'oohs' and 'ahhs' and assumed that Jess and Sam were acting just as adorably in love as they normally did. Gabriel wouldn't frown, he wouldn't. Jess made Sam happy, and that should be enough. 

_Gabriel sat at the suite table, trying to work through a really obscure novel. So far, so not good. It was dreadfully boring, trite, and most of it seemed so fake and contrived that he had trouble believing it could happen to one person. He'd already almost dozed off about four times, catching himself before his chin could slide off his palm and hit the table._

_There was a slight commotion outside and he tossed the Monster can into the recycling bin. Sam and Jess came stumbling in, leaning on each other in delirious happiness. Gabriel glanced over at them and immediately felt himself tense up. They both came over to the table and Sam draped an arm around his chair._

_"Gabe," he half-shouted, lips almost brushing against Gabriel's ear, "Jess said yes, she said yes!"_

_Gabriel almost dropped the book. "What?" he asked, as Sam squeezed him in a tight hug. Jess came over and his face lit up as she showed him the ring that Sam had picked out for her. "Congrats!" he said, wriggling out of Sam's hug to go over and give her a soft kiss on the cheek._

_He'd given up on anything he and Sam had a while ago, and it was without a twinge of regret that he shrugged his jacket on and unapologetically dragged them out to the bar. He bought both of them a few drinks before they all decided to go their separate ways. Sam had told him the story of how he asked, and Jess told him what her dream wedding was._

_But a strange feeling came over Gabriel when Sam leaned just a little too close to him and asked, almost slurring the words, if Gabriel would be his best man. Gabriel hadn't hesitated for a second, but there was a little pang of doubt and resentment that rushed over him when Sam asked. He shook it away and nodded emphatically, repeating a chorus of 'yes' while Jess leaned her head on Sam's arm._

_He didn't think about that twinge of... something, not until later. When he was laying in bed, it returned with a vengeance, and his eyes itched and his cheeks were damp with tears and there was an ache in his chest, a void that he didn't think would be filled. And he realized that, despite all of his better intuition and posturing, he had never gotten over Sam._

The song ended, and Gabriel let the notes echo around the hall until silence fell. He rose fluidly from his seat and nodded across at where Sam and Jess were. There were tears in Jess' eyes as she smiled back at him, and Sam looked proud as all hell. But Gabriel could tell that his eyes were glassy with tears as well, and that was what made it alright. Because he'd decided a long time ago that even if he couldn't have Sam, he would do anything he could to make him happy. Up to and including composing a song for him and his wife to dance to on his wedding day. 

Even though it hurt. It hurt like hell.

He bowed once more to the crowd's applause, and the DJ started up the more appropriate music. Everyone rushed the dance floor, laughing and swinging each other around. Gabriel quietly packed up his stuff, folding the song up and sliding it into an envelope. He glanced across the dance floor at where Sam stood with Jess, kissing softly. There was pure euphoria on Sam's face, and Gabriel closed his eyes. 

For a second, he allowed himself to imagine that it was him Sam looked at like that. He imagined that Sam loved him back. Woke him up by pressing kisses down his chest, would absently wrap an arm around his shoulder while they were out together, would let their hands tangle together while they walked.

And then his eyes opened. He smiled, a little self-deprecating, and left the envelope on the top of the grand piano. He shrugged his coat on and slipped away, stepping out into the cold. The wind bit into his skin and he shoved his hand into his pockets. Luckily his apartment building wasn't too far from the reception - he turned his collar up against the wind and pulled his gloves on. 

The song would remain unnamed, and he expected that Sam would call him after he realized that Gabriel had left early. But he couldn't be there anymore; the atmosphere was stifling, and he needed a break. There was only so long he could go without giving in to the dejection. Sam and Jess were a lovely couple, and he really did wish them the best, but he just couldn't. Not after realizing what he lost. Even though it was never his to begin with.

All he left behind was a love song, and he was the only one who knew what it really meant.


End file.
